I sit here today or actually I lay here, snug in my bed with the most comfortable pajama pants on and I am indulging myself with Parenthood (just the best TV show out there). I normally would beat myself up about just being lazy and not getting much done, but not today. I was woken up at 12:09am by a little red head. She actually woke my husband up from a deep slumber and his frightened state is what actually woke me up. We just switched sides of the bed recently and now the kids go to what was once my side of the bed (not sorry 😂) And after the wake up, the Hubs got her back to bed and I could not go back to sleep. So ladies and gentleman, I have been up since 12am and I’m okay with being lazy.
I haven’t watched Parenthood in a while and it’s one of those that I will just never get tired of watching. Maybe it’s because I can relate to the families, but even before kids I just fell in love. But as usual, it’s not even half way through the first episode and I’m holding back tears. The scene that Adam and Kristina find out that Max has Aspergers (or Autism)…I just crumble. They nailed the reaction. The dad trying to say everything else it could be other than Aspergers and the mom just holding back tears and trying to get him to listen. And then she says, “Something is wrong with our baby” 😭 (FYI, just typing out those words has me crying)
Even though we have had the diagnosis for 3 or 4 years now, I still tear up. I have had to go through paperwork of theirs from doctors and therapy for a new journey we are starting and I was reading the papers of when they received their official diagnosis. It just all came back to me, that feeling over being overwhelmed and the devastation of feeling the same way as Kristina…something is wrong with our babies. And even though it has been years, we are still grieving. Grieving the loss of what we thought was going to be.
Its okay though….
It’s okay because we are still allowed to be sad about it sometimes. We know our son probably won’t be able to do a lot of the typical things like drive a car, live on his own, or go hunting with his daddy. Or that we have to tiptoe around our daughter because her behavior is so fragile and we are constantly trying to keep the peace in our house. We have seriously accepted all of that. But we are still allowed to be sad about it or exhausted by it. We hope for and pray for a bright future for my kids, whatever that path may be. And only God knows the answer. As hard as that is to swallow, it is what it is and that’s okay.
Thank goodness for therapy or otherwise I may still be going crazy over here over all of this. (Did she just say she’s in therapy 🤪) Yes, this girl is in therapy and I am so happy I started going. Trying to make a better me to make a better mom for my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I still have breakdowns. Don’t think I didn’t shed a tear over that longgggggg Fall Break they just had. And I thoroughly enjoyed the time with them until they were bored. Then this mom was about to lose it. But again, it’s okay. I’m not super woman.
“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do” – Brene Brown
This here is my plan. Being vulnerable is hard which is why you can’t have courage without. Talking about these things is okay. It has taken me a while to realize that.
Ever since I talked about the morning at church that brought me to tears I have had nothing but empathy and kind words from friends and family. I don’t do these blogs to make me look good or bad or that I’m better (at least I hope I don’t) but what I hope I’m doing is bringing more awareness about Autism. I also hope I can bring awareness about what it’s like to be a special needs parent. We are exhausted. And I know exhaustion. I did have triplet newborns six years ago after all. But this exhaustion of raising special needs, takes a whole other level. I have never been more mentally drained in all my life. Just the worry that consumes me, the future, the waiting, the living on pins and needles daily…it’s so exhausting. The anxiety that’s behind it all too is like a vacuum sucking you dry. Did you know, if I post a few pictures of just me out with the girls or us just doing something with the girls, I fear people will wonder why we don’t have our son, and what horrible parents we must be because we don’t take him to the fun things like we do the girls. So then, I always make sure to follow up with fun things with him, or how well he’s doing. To keep from judgment! That’s crazy. But here I am.
Anxiety. So. Tired. So. Exhausting.
When they are in bed, you are lucky to keep me up past 9:30. Just ask my husband 🤪
I have loved our journey. There are some days I wish to not re-live again, but this road has lead me to be more aware, have more empathy and just be more kind. I haven’t always been that way and I’m certainly not perfect at it either. But having these special and awesome kids as my own, has just been eye opening and a blessing. And I hope that their journey will be a blessing to anyone who comes in their path. I can’t imagine they won’t be because when you meet them and get to know them, you can’t do anything but love them.
Thanks for reading!
It's Triplicated 