When I first started blogging it was an outlet for me. I was cooped up all day with three babies and it kept me from going bonkers. But now, ever since we got two Autism diagnosis, it gives me a chance to bring awareness to anyone who will listen. Today was a perfect example of there needing to be more awareness! But before I get to my day, let me give you a cold hard fact. Autism is so hard! I know I have said it before, but let me say it again, Autism is HARD. What we as parents have to battle daily is hard and exhausting let me tell you, but what is really hard…..it’s seeing your baby struggling with strong emotions/outbursts, sensitivities to sounds/touch and sensory seeking and you can research all day long, find shirts, vests, toys etc and you can’t heal them! You cant!
Autism isn’t something you can an antibiotic for and within 10 days it’s gone. Autism is so complicated. There is no cure. That right there is hard to except. We are built as parents to always take care of our babies. And it’s just out of our hands. And this is just the parents struggle, just think what our babies battle daily just trying to live in our world. It has to be painful and awful some days. I just can’t imagine what they are going through.
Our Morning:
Pretty typical Sunday. We are usually scrambling getting ourselves and the kids ready for church, but today, we were actually on time if not early. Got everyone off to their Sunday school class and we were good to go. The last song was sung and I check my phone to see that I was needed in my daughters class ASAP.
This was right when service ended so everyone was moving slow, so on the outside, I was waiting patiently to pass people, but inside I was screaming, get out of the way please (I was at least using manners 🤷🏻♀️)
I am not even to the schools hallway yet and I can just hear it. I can hear her screams from the very end of the hall. She is having an episode that she has at home sometimes, that no one ever sees and that we had hoped no one would ever see, but here we are. Trying to get through the crowd felt like it was taking years off my life as I hear her scream, but what really did it was hearing a gentleman say, “Some girl is losing her mind”. My heart ached. That’s my baby you are talking about and you do not know her!
I got to the class and she ran to me sobbing so I picked her up and held her tight. Once she had calmed a bit, I put her down to ask her what happened. It was so minuscule that I just dropped my head. (If you want to know, it was over a toy car 🤦🏻♀️)
I just wanted to scream. I could feel eyes on me. I just thought to myself, “Why are you having a fit over this? Why are we still battling this at 6 1/2? Why did we have to have this fit in church in front of everyone?” These are such selfish thoughts but they were just pouring in. We got to the car and I tried to hold the tears back and I asked my husband if I could be alone for a little bit when we got home.
I knew I felt angry because of the embarrassment she just put me through but also angry at myself for being angry. I know this is the Autism, it’s not her, but it’s so hard to not get angry at your child for acting like that. Because of this, I knew I needed a break to regroup. I went in the bedroom and into my closet and just fell to my knees and started sobbing. I cried out to God. I prayed hard. I prayed for healing. Answers. Guidance and peace. I told him I am laying her at your feet. Just heal her. As soon as I stopped, this weight was lifted off me. I could breath again.
I would never post pictures like this but I just want to share to anyone who thinks they are alone in this, YOU ARE NOT!
I was overwhelmed with sadness. But I wasn’t sad for me, I was sad for my baby. Her wheels are always spinning, barely stops. Just to get her to talk to me I have to hold her still so she can get out a sentence.
I just have to say this, Autism comes in all shapes and sizes. Not all kids with Autism have noticeable mannerisms. Not all Autistic kiddos wear headphones or weighted vests. Not all Autistic kiddos stem with hand flapping or repeating of phrases. Not all Autistic kiddos are non-verbal or make poor eye contact. My daughter on the outside looks very typical. Even her mannerisms can seem pretty typical. So when you see or hear these outburst from a child, I ask you to try and be compassionate. They may not be able to handle what’s going on because maybe they are over stimulated or maybe their routine was thrown off, it can be something quite small to us, but HUGE to our kiddos. And ask the parents if you can help, or just be empathetic to them. We are exhausted. We are mentally drained and we are trying our best but driving with blinders on.
Anyone who feels like they don’t got this…you are not alone. And you most certainly got this!
Thanks for listening and please spread the awareness!
It's Triplicated 