I am feeling very emotional today and I get this way from time to time. Being a mom has made me a big softy after all. But after this weekend, I have had lots of thoughts that come to me once and while and it’s things I never say out loud. I feel if I say the words it will make me a horrible parent, that these thoughts are really how I feel and actually be true. Here I go.
We had a great family weekend. Boo at the zoo, pumpkin picking and birthday parties. There were a few ups and downs, but over all it was a fun weekend. But things I notice that maybe others do not….my son who is the same age as his sisters is not like them. While trick or treating, the girls eagerly ran up to each booth and said, “trick or treat”, my son did not….he didn’t even care. My girls got so excited to meet all the princesses (and they still talk about it), my son didn’t care one bit. My son was contained in a stroller the majority of the trip until the end so he could meet some super hero’s. Once he was out, he was running off, going limp noodle on us and just didn’t seem to care what other kids were getting excited about. I noticed it all.
(Here is my awesome Father-in-law (who basically took care of Simon the entire night for me) attempting to get him to stay. A struggle for sure. I yelled at Spider Man to just hold him for us and he was nice enough to do so but he still struggled. Even Spider Man couldn’t hold him still 🤣)
When we went to the Farm, we actually lost him for a few minutes. He was content in the open stall with the baby calf and when I was helping his sister to do something he was gone when I turned back around. Thankfully, he wasn’t far, but he had no idea that this was not okay or dangerous. He didnt understand the idea of picking pumpkins and honestly didn’t care. Something we are use to, but still, kind of hurts my heart.
The birthday party we went to was so much fun. But we didn’t even take Simon. I knew it was an outdoor party with no fence. Although, I knew there would be lots of adults that would be willing to help, our entire time would’ve consisted of us chasing him, getting things out of his mouth or asking each other where he was. We know this because it’s what we deal with on a daily basis. It’s okay, sometimes it’s just really discouraging.
(FYI….This is where we found him when he ran off. Seriously he can be a silent ninja when he wants to be or the entire scene from Jumanji…there is no in between.)
Last night, I was trying to fold the largest load of laundry (it multiplys when you have multiples…times 10). When I’m on the floor, my son thinks it’s free game to climb me, squeeze me and pull my hair. As much as it doesn’t bother me, after a few minutes of having a 40lb dead weight child on my shoulders pulling my hair, I’m over it. When I try to get him to stop, he “Hulks” out on me squeezing me very aggressively. Which for him, that’s just his way of telling me he’s upset.
Anyways, after all this from the past weekend my mind starts to wonder. Will my son ever be normal? Will he have friends? What will other kids say to him? Will I ever hear him say a word? Most of the time, I have this strong feeling he will talk, he will succeed because let’s face it, he’s so stinking smart and that he will marry and have kids. But I have days like today where I start to question him and myself. Am I doing enough? Do I give him enough attention? Do I treat him the same or differently? It’s just an emotional roller coaster.
I do have to make this clear though. I would never change anything. For one, since knowing of his and my daughter’s diagnosis, I have learned so much and I am so thankful I have. I knew nothing before. I thought Autism was kids acting out with screaming and throwing a tantrum and not being able to control it. And also thinking it was basically, life over scenario. That is not the case at all! It’s life changing yes, but I have gained so much from them in what they have taught me. It’s not easy sure, but their successes are huge and spectacular! Even just looking in my eyes is a huge success day.
If you are ever curious on what it’s like having an autistic child….just ask. I love to answer questions (as long as they aren’t rude questions because there are such things). I love meeting other mom’s who have either just found out their child has autism or just struggling with their child and being able to share our stories and hearing theirs and helping one another. It’s so comforting.
PS….just so you know, having two autistic children may be hard most days, but I FREAKING love these crazy kids with all my heart!